Sunday, March 1, 2009

Lost My Passion

I have been undergoing a very stressful life for almost 3 months. The biggest contributor is from work, where I'd come home 9pm all drained up almost every night. Come Monday, there will be more drama and politics at work as we have a NEW ADDITION to the so-called-family.

Tomoro will be the day where I'd have to wear my armour suit to the battle field again. This time, it'll be heavier than ever and the battle's gonna be fiercer than the ones I had for 3 months. Talking about it, I began to fear going to work as the days are gonna be unpredictable.

For these few months, I felt a big part of me have changed. Things that I used to love are no longer the things I'd enjoy now. I blame it on behalf of stress as that's the only factor I could think of, for now. For instance, I used to love taking pictures as I'm always carrying a camera with me. I love takng pictures of events, of people and of FOOD! But these few months, I have lost my passion in photography. I still do carry a camera around but I no longer take pictues nor be in any picture anymore. Somehow I lost interest in photography as I find my life losing its colors.

For these 3 difficult months, I've always hoped my man will be standing by me to support me in these difficult days. I no longer feel the same way I felt about him ....... the feelings when we were together, happy and free. To the world, we are together but in my world, we are physically and emotionally apart. I felt as if I have been living by my own for these 3 months. While I tried my best to be concerned in his work and his projects, he has never once asked me if I am okay at work. Never. I am with a guy whom everyone thinks is perfect for me but all these while, I am all alone. He will never care about anyone but himself and he is always right all the time. I am very tired having to put a mask everytime I wake up to lie to the whole world that I am happy. I began to lose my respect and admiration for my man and once I lose it all, I can no longer find love in my heart. Perhaps after our Bangkok trip, I will have a decision for both of us if things were to continue this way.

I hope there will be someone out there whom will be able to make me smile again. I desperately need it. But for now, I am very tired and the reason why I'm blogging today is to tell everyone that I will not be blogging for sometime. This will be my last post until I can find colors in my life, then I will blog again.

PS: I do not need anyone to come up to me to tell me to do this or that. I need no advices, I just need support. Let's not play the 'blaming' game as I think it is only fair for me to say as long as he realises his mistakes and is willing to change, I will be willing to forgive. However, whether we get back together or not will be a different story.